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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
People
Late
Playing
Tarot
Full
Poker
Four
Gamble
Lasts
Gambling
Last
Stayed
House
Cards
Night
Died
More quotes by Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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