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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Last
Stayed
House
Cards
Night
Died
People
Late
Playing
Tarot
Full
Poker
Four
Gamble
Lasts
Gambling

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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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