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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wonder
Kills
Grows
Deeper
Funny
Ocean
Didn
Humor
Happens
Grow
Much
Fun
Would
Comedy
Happen
Sponges
More quotes by Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
