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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wonder
Kills
Grows
Deeper
Funny
Ocean
Humor
Didn
Grow
Happens
Fun
Much
Comedy
Would
Happen
Sponges

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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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