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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Used
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Hardware
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Paint
Hilarious
Comedy
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Batteries
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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