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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Paint
Hilarious
Comedy
Recently
Went
Store
Funny
Bought
House
Witty
Also
Weren
Batteries
Used
Humorous
Hardware
Shape
Included

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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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