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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Used
Humorous
Hardware
Shape
Included
Paint
Hilarious
Comedy
Recently
Went
Store
Funny
Bought
House
Witty
Also
Weren
Batteries

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright