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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
House
Witty
Also
Weren
Batteries
Used
Humorous
Hardware
Shape
Included
Paint
Hilarious
Comedy
Recently
Went
Store
Funny
Bought

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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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