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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Still
Worked
Littles
Haven
Little
Travel
Need
Baby
Pisses
Needs
Humor
Babies
Life
Comedy
Vacation
Funny
Beach
Stills
Havens
More quotes by Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I took a baby shower.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright