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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Comedy
Vacation
Funny
Beach
Stills
Havens
Still
Worked
Littles
Haven
Little
Travel
Need
Baby
Pisses
Needs
Humor
Babies

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright