Quote

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Comedy
Vacation
Funny
Beach
Stills
Havens
Still
Worked
Littles
Haven
Little
Travel
Need
Baby
Pisses
Needs
Humor
Babies

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright