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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cooking
Restaurant
Humor
Serves
Food
Culinary
Went
Restaurants
Funny
Breakfast
Toast
Time
Nonsense
Toasts
French
Ordered
Humorous
Renaissance
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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