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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Happy
Shops
Funny
Burned
Everyone
Stood
Around
Birthday
Remember
Sight
Singing
Humor
Shop
Friends
Candle

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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