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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Happy
Shops
Funny
Burned
Everyone
Stood
Around
Birthday
Remember
Sight
Singing
Humor
Shop
Friends
Candle

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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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