Quote

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Around
Birthday
Remember
Sight
Singing
Humor
Shop
Friends
Candle
Happy
Shops
Funny
Burned
Everyone
Stood

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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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What do batteries run on?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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