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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Happy
Shops
Funny
Burned
Everyone
Stood
Around
Birthday
Remember
Sight
Singing
Humor
Shop
Friends
Candle

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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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