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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Remember
Sight
Singing
Humor
Shop
Friends
Candle
Happy
Shops
Funny
Burned
Everyone
Stood
Around
Birthday
More quotes by Steven Wright
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
