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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Forever
Sarcastic
Funny
Birthday
Live
Witty
Good
Comedian
Life
Humorous
Eulogy
Intention
Hilarious
Jokes
Sarcasm
Humor
Intend
More quotes by Steven Wright
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
