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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Good
Comedian
Life
Humorous
Eulogy
Intention
Hilarious
Jokes
Sarcasm
Humor
Intend
Forever
Sarcastic
Funny
Birthday
Live
Witty
More quotes by Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright