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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Humorous
Eulogy
Intention
Hilarious
Jokes
Sarcasm
Humor
Intend
Forever
Sarcastic
Funny
Birthday
Live
Witty
Good
Comedian
More quotes by Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright