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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Good
Comedian
Life
Humorous
Eulogy
Intention
Hilarious
Jokes
Sarcasm
Humor
Intend
Forever
Sarcastic
Funny
Birthday
Live
Witty

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright