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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Birthday
Live
Witty
Good
Comedian
Life
Humorous
Eulogy
Intention
Hilarious
Jokes
Sarcasm
Humor
Intend
Forever
Sarcastic

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright