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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Anybody
Influence
Face
Think
Thinking
Russians
Straight
Election

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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