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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Dressed
Eventually
Case
Syphilis
Gave
Fidel
Cases
Monroe
Head
Marilyn
Back
Castro
Like
Blew
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
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