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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Case
Syphilis
Gave
Fidel
Cases
Monroe
Head
Marilyn
Back
Castro
Like
Blew
Dressed
Eventually
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
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If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
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I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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