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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Guarantee
Guarantees
Corporations
Continue
Exist
Government
People

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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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