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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Mentioning
Speech
Asked
Small
Jesus
Bigs
Government

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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
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I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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