Quote

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Coming
Mister
Another
Noodles
Thing
Glorified
Think
Mall
Thinking
Flock
Malls
Peeps
Flocks
Noodle
Lead
Fest

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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
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And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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