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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Accepting
American
Visa
Status
Express
Accept

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
Stephen Colbert
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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
Stephen Colbert
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
Stephen Colbert
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
Stephen Colbert
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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
Stephen Colbert
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Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
Stephen Colbert
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert
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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
Stephen Colbert
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
Stephen Colbert
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
Stephen Colbert
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I am no fan of books.
Stephen Colbert
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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
Stephen Colbert
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I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
Stephen Colbert
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
Stephen Colbert
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Stephen Colbert
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
Stephen Colbert