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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Accept
Accepting
American
Visa
Status
Express

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.
Stephen Colbert
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
Stephen Colbert
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
Stephen Colbert
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
Stephen Colbert
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
Stephen Colbert
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
Stephen Colbert
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
Stephen Colbert
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
Stephen Colbert
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
Stephen Colbert
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
Stephen Colbert
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
Stephen Colbert
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
Stephen Colbert
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
Stephen Colbert
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
Stephen Colbert
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
Stephen Colbert
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
Stephen Colbert