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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Progressives
Flag
Liberals
Flags
Burn
Microwave
Microwaves
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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Truthiness is What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true. It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
Stephen Colbert