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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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Takes
Finally
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Eight
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
Stephen Colbert