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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Feel
Feels
Promise
News
Anyone
Read

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
Stephen Colbert
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
Stephen Colbert
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Stephen Colbert
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
Stephen Colbert
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
Stephen Colbert
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
Stephen Colbert
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
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What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.
Stephen Colbert
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
Stephen Colbert
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Stephen Colbert
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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
Stephen Colbert
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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
Stephen Colbert
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
Stephen Colbert
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
Stephen Colbert
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
Stephen Colbert
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
Stephen Colbert