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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Mayonnaise
Swallow
Mines
Mine
Pride
Hard

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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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