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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Mayonnaise
Swallow
Mines
Mine
Pride
Hard

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
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