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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Hard
Mayonnaise
Swallow
Mines
Mine
Pride

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
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We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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