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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Mayonnaise
Swallow
Mines
Mine
Pride
Hard

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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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