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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Hard
Mayonnaise
Swallow
Mines
Mine
Pride

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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
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You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
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