Quote

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Okay
Decided
Hammered
Theory
Darwin
Next
Monkey
Come
Woke
Make
Charles
Monkeys
Totally

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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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