Quote

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Okay
Decided
Hammered
Theory
Darwin
Next
Monkey
Come
Woke
Make
Charles
Monkeys
Totally

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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