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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Totally
Okay
Decided
Hammered
Theory
Darwin
Next
Monkey
Come
Woke
Make
Charles
Monkeys
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
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When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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Football is American why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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