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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Canadian
American
Makes
Better
Might
Thinking
People
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Truthiness is What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true. It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.
Stephen Colbert
If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
Stephen Colbert
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
Stephen Colbert
I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Stephen Colbert
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
Stephen Colbert
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
Stephen Colbert
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
Stephen Colbert
If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Stephen Colbert
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
Stephen Colbert
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
Stephen Colbert
I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
Stephen Colbert
I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
Stephen Colbert
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Stephen Colbert
What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?
Stephen Colbert
My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
Stephen Colbert
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Stephen Colbert
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
