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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
American
Makes
Better
Might
Thinking
People
Canadian
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
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I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
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