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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Canadian
American
Makes
Better
Might
Thinking
People

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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
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Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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