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I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Better
Restraint
Much
Younger
Things
Bush
Obviously
Bring
Looking
Order
Veto
Didn
Fiscal

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Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
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I am no fan of books.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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