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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Hope
Sense
Find
Whole
Quickly
Years
Saws
Time
Humor
People
Pretty
Guy
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
Stephen Colbert
It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
Stephen Colbert
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
Stephen Colbert
I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
Stephen Colbert
I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
Stephen Colbert
If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
Stephen Colbert
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
Stephen Colbert
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
Stephen Colbert
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
Stephen Colbert
And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name I'm not changing it.
Stephen Colbert
Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
Stephen Colbert
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
Stephen Colbert
Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
Stephen Colbert
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Stephen Colbert
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.
Stephen Colbert