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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Five
Monkeys
Hands
Sixty
Believe
Republicans
Eight
Evolution
Republican
Percent
Hand

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If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
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Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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I'm impervious to logic.
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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