Quote

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Stephen Colbert

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Believe
Republicans
Eight
Evolution
Republican
Percent
Hand
Five
Monkeys
Hands
Sixty

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

Image
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.
Stephen Colbert
Image
The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
Stephen Colbert
Image
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
Stephen Colbert
Image
Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
Stephen Colbert
Image
If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.
Stephen Colbert
Image
If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
Stephen Colbert
Image
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
Stephen Colbert
Image
Equations are the devil's sentences.
Stephen Colbert
Image
They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
Stephen Colbert
Image
To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
Stephen Colbert
Image
President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
Stephen Colbert
Image
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Stephen Colbert
Image
Baby carrots are making me gay.
Stephen Colbert
Image
Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
Stephen Colbert
Image
I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
Stephen Colbert
Image
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
Stephen Colbert
Image
I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.
Stephen Colbert
Image
I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
Stephen Colbert
Image
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
Stephen Colbert
Image
You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Stephen Colbert