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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Greatest
Voters
Beetle
American
Threat
Mattress
Next
Western
Mattresses
Today
Memory
Beetles
National
Foam
News
Voter
Memories
Fraud
Media
Facing

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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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