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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Today
Memory
Beetles
National
Foam
News
Voter
Memories
Fraud
Media
Facing
Greatest
Voters
Beetle
American
Threat
Mattress
Next
Western
Mattresses
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
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Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.
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Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen Colbert
