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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Must
Work
Things

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
Stephen Colbert
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
Stephen Colbert
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
Stephen Colbert
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
Stephen Colbert
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
Stephen Colbert
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Stephen Colbert
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I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.
Stephen Colbert
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Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
Stephen Colbert
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Stephen Colbert
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
Stephen Colbert
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Stephen Colbert
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
Stephen Colbert
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
Stephen Colbert
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen Colbert
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If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Stephen Colbert
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
Stephen Colbert