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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Must
Work
Things

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
Stephen Colbert
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
Stephen Colbert
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
Stephen Colbert
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
Stephen Colbert
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You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
Stephen Colbert
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It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
Stephen Colbert
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
Stephen Colbert
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
Stephen Colbert
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
Stephen Colbert
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I am no fan of books.
Stephen Colbert
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
Stephen Colbert
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
Stephen Colbert
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Stephen Colbert
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
Stephen Colbert
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
Stephen Colbert
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
Stephen Colbert