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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Block
John
Habit
Unless
Confirmation
Blocks
Speaker
Speakers

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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
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I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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