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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Wanted
Misery
Meant
Actor
Serious
Share
Beard
Actors
Wore
Black
Intended
Ends
Hadn
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
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What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?
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