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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Times
Language
Premarital
Languages
Romance
Million
Sex
Lead
Millions

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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
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The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work.
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Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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