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Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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Winning
Nobel
Think
Literature
Automatically
Thinking
Peace
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
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