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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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Theologies
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
Stephen Colbert
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Stephen Colbert
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
Stephen Colbert
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
Stephen Colbert
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
Stephen Colbert
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Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
Stephen Colbert
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
Stephen Colbert
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
Stephen Colbert
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Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
Stephen Colbert
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
Stephen Colbert
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
Stephen Colbert
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
Stephen Colbert
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Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
Stephen Colbert
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Stephen Colbert
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Stephen Colbert
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
Stephen Colbert
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Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.
Stephen Colbert