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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Never
People
Criticize
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
Stephen Colbert
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
Stephen Colbert
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
Stephen Colbert
Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
Stephen Colbert
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
Stephen Colbert
I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
Stephen Colbert
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.
Stephen Colbert
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Stephen Colbert
Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
Stephen Colbert
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
Stephen Colbert
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Stephen Colbert
I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
Stephen Colbert
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen Colbert
It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
Stephen Colbert
If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Stephen Colbert